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It’s no secret that being a lawyer can be stressful. It’s important to have a break every now and then. Thats why we’ve scoured the internet and nagged our friends for the best law jokes we could find. A bit of legal humour never hurt anybody right?
One-liner law jokes
- What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they’re boring.
- What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.
- Why don't lawyers enjoy fishing? Because the fish don't fall for their lines!
- What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer.
- How does an attorney sleep? First, he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
- What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
- Why did the lawyer cross the road? To get to the car accident on the other side!
- How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.
- Why don't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy.
- What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
- Why didn’t the jury believe O.J. Simpson’s gloves didn’t fit? Because the evidence was a little too tight.
- What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
- Did you hear about the lawyer who sued the funeral company over the coffin? It was an open-and-shut case.
- As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
- Why did the lawyer refuse to take the stand? He was afraid of heights!
- What did the Supreme Court say when they couldn’t find their case files? It was a Roe-deo of missing documents! (Roe vs Wade)
- What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
- Why did the lawyer bring a ladder to court? To reach a higher standard of proof.
- Did you hear about the man who sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.
- Why do lawyers make terrible poets? Because they always try to avoid double meanings.
- What kind of underwear do lawyers wear? Briefs!
- Why did the litigator break up with his girlfriend? He objected to her leading questions.
- Why did the Lovings take their marriage to court? Because love knows no bounds—or state lines! (Loving v Virginia)
- What's the difference between God and a lawyer? God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
- Arguing with a lawyer is like wrestling a pig in mud… Sooner or later you realize that they like it!
- Why are estate attorneys the most determined? Because “Where there’s a will, there’s a way.”
- What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more.
- What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.
- What does a lawyer order to drink? Just-ice.
We want to thank our partners at Filevine for helping provide some of these jokes! Filevine helps you improve efficiency and empower your law firm with its AI-powered legal case management software. They integrate with VXT for a seamless experience, putting efficiency first and allowing your law firm to streamline it's communications across all platforms.
And some longer law jokes
The Lawyer and the Gates of Heaven
- A lawyer dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, “We’ve been waiting for you for a long time.” The lawyer is surprised and replies, “But I’m only 40 years old!” St. Peter looks at his records and says, “That’s impossible. Based on your billing hours, you should be at least 90!”
A Lawyer's Cat
- A lawyer's cat dies, and he wants to honor it with a grand funeral. He asks a priest, but the priest refuses, saying it’s inappropriate. The lawyer asks, "Do you think $50,000 would convince you?" The priest quickly responds, "Why didn’t you tell me the cat was Catholic?"
The Lawyer and the Doctor
- A lawyer and a doctor were at a party. The doctor kept being asked for medical advice, which annoyed him. He asked the lawyer, "How do you deal with people asking for free advice?" The lawyer replied, "I send them a bill." The next day, the doctor received a bill from the lawyer.
A Man on his Deathbed
- A man is on his deathbed. He has three friends who come and visit him, being a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer. He tells them, “I know you can’t take it with you. But I want to try. I’m giving you each $10,000 cash. When you come up to my coffin to pay your respects I want you to take the $10,000 and shove it in the coffin with me.“
The man passes and the three men pay their respects. Afterwards, they are all talking. The doctor says “I know it’s medically impossible, but I have to admit I put $9000 in the coffin and kept $1000 for myself.”
The engineer then chimes in. “I did all the calculations and realize it’s impossible also. But I have to admit I put $5000 in and left $5000 for myself.”
The lawyer looks at them both with disgust. “I’m disappointed in both of you. This was his last wish and neither of you held up your end. I wrote him a check for the entire amount.“
Missing Limb
- A man gets into a pretty bad car accident, and stumbles out of the car to talk with the other driver about insurance and such. To his dismay, the other driver is a lawyer.
“Oh you are so screwed,” Says the Lawyer. “This was my brand new Prius! I’m gonna sue you for that. And you ruined by Armani suit! I’m gonna sue you for that. And now I’m late and gonna miss out on a million dollar case! I’m gonna sue you for that. I’m gonna sue you for so much your grandkids are gonna be paying for it!”
“You lawyers are all the same,” the man says with disdain. “You just care about money. You didn’t even notice your arm is missing.”
The lawyer looks down, and sees that, indeed, only a bloody stump remains of his arm.
“Where the hell is my Rolex?”
Lawyer Present
- A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
“You are the lawyer.” said the policeman.
“Exactly, so where’s my present?” replied the lawyer.
Lawyer and the Plumber
- A big fancy city lawyer was having a holiday party with all his rich friends. Suddenly the upstairs toilet starts overflowing. He frantically calls an emergency plumber to rush over and fix it.
Within 15 minutes, the plumber has fixed the issue and the toilet stops overflowing. The plumber gives a bill for $400. The attorney says "What?! $400 for 15 minutes of work? I'm a big-shot attorney and I don't bill at $1,600 per hour!"
The plumber says "Yea neither did I when I was a lawyer."
Sandwiches
- Two lawyers went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
A/C In Hell
- An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the satellite dish, and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, l'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Tricky Cigars
- A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!”
Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”
Conclusion
We hope these jokes brought a smile to your face and lightened up your day! As legal professionals, it's important to find moments of levity in our often-serious work environment. Speaking of making life a little lighter for lawyers, have you heard about VXT?
While we can't promise it'll make you laugh like these jokes, VXT offers an easy to use VoIP phone system specifically designed for legal professionals. It's like having a personal assistant for your calls, helping you manage your communications more efficiently. So, when you're done chuckling at these jokes, why not check out how VXT can streamline your practice?
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